WARNING: This post is for peeps reading the Fifty Shades series of “adult” novels… it is most certainly not for my parents my in-laws or anyone who does not want to hear me talk about sex! Just sayin’.
- Fifty Shades of WTF?
Ok, so I’m on the bandwagon. Yes, you people with all your ohhhing and ahhhing and Oh, Mr. Grey-ing and your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium – have got me reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Here’s what I have realized from reading the first two installments of Fifty Shades of Grey: I may start calling my area “my sex,” I find the sound of ripping foil erotic, and I don’t have a very hot sex life! I mean this book makes my “Rocky Road” look like a Shirley Temple, and my “Vanilla” look more like baby formula!
Look, the last book series’s I read were, The Hunger Games, Twilight, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. So, it’s safe to assume that my psyche is stuck in the young adult section. You know, where the most erotic moment was when a werewolf snuck a kiss with a vampire’s girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, the tent scene in book III was hot too and I do have a small crush on Taylor Lautner, who was most recently in my living room looking like this:
But, on to Grey. The first night I read it, I literally laughed through the writer’s vain attempt at being overly astute. You know, the way Dawson’s Creek was, except on Dawson’s Creek it worked. ( I love you Pacey.) Sorry, where was I? Right. Her attempt to cover smut with SAT words: fail.
By day 2 I had gotten over the fact that the writing was indulgent and she was using the word there in italics, as in down there. Oh my. Yes, I was truly enjoying the read and here’s why: This is just an adult version of all the other fantasies I’ve been reading. Yep, Christian Gray may as well be a vampire and frankly, girls, he’s about as likely to exist. This is every girls fantasy – before she’s been out into the real world or after she’s been in the real world too long, ahem, enter my generation.
Every lady wants a man who’s young, rich, hotter than hell, that hangs on her every word and wants to lavish her with expensive dates, goodies, a personal trainer and incredible sex. She wants a guy to take control and protect her from gun wielding exes and anorexia. -Or something like that.
Like Edward, Christian Gray is a total stalker and like Edward he gets away with it ’cause he’s a wealthy and a total babe with six pack abs, who makes the sound of ripping foil erotic.
Ladies – Be warned that like Santa Claus, there are no young hot billionaires that make a hundred thousand an hour, that barely work, have hot sex, do things like take you to follow the sun, and make it a point that you will never be cold, hungry, or underdressed. Though I do keep thinking of Sting and his tantric stuff during the book, so maybe just Sting.
And Men- you will never meet a girl who goes from a virgin to a sex starved, multiple orgasm having, spanking liking, sex slave who’s uncomfortable with you spending money on her! Like mermaids, the tooth fairy, and non lesbian softball coaches: THEY DO NOT EXIST.
Nor do unassisted penetration only orgasms. Frankly, I know 1 girl who’s claimed to have such powers and I can’t say that I can confirm them as I’ve thankfully not been present to see them manifest. Further more, you can call me a cynic but the multiple orgasm, nipple pulling educed and penetration only orgasms that Annastasia has are fodder for folklore. Well, folklore to be told in a porn shop.
Don’t get me wrong, Mr Grey is a good lover, there’s teasing and withholding and build up and multiple orgasms.
My idea of teasing is when my husband tells me he’s going to brush his teeth first, and then doesn’t.
My idea of build-up is more like a few minutes into the deed when the dirty talk starts and it goes something like this: “wait, wait, don’t. Not yet, not quite yet.” “Can you wait? One more minute, almost, almost…”
And my idea of multiple orgasms is to get to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills afterward without any interruption.
Ok, so I don’t have quite the sex life that the highly annoying Anastasia, her inner goddess, her subconscious, and her hotty have. Oh my.
PS Does it make me sick and perverted that I kinda enjoy the formal and witty emails more than the sex scenes or does it make you sick and perverted for thinking the opposite? Hmmm wit induced orgasms, now there’s a thought.
PS- if you know anyone reading the book feel free to share it with them.
This post is a perfect example of why playing dumb is underrated!!! In a doctors office, there’s a fine line between what you should be privy to and what should not be part of a conventional, time killing conversation.
Nurse: “…that, you have some leaks? Yes, I saw it in the report.” (frowny face).
I – WILL – NEVER – BE – FAMOUS!!!!!!
Moving on to more likely occurrences. I was in the hip ATL – that’s Atlanta, for the white people – last week and I found the people to be incredibly cool and shockingly friendly. It was kinda like NYC meets Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and they were all hopped up on green tea frappachinos. 
